Essentially nothing is happening, silence is all there is

Off I went, following my passion, devoting my life to awakening. That was in the early eighties, when my friends were calling out to me: " Do you believe that? I can't imagine what you need that for! I have known who I am for ages!"

I had found Alexander Smit. I had seen in his eyes what I craved with all my heart and from then on there was no stopping me. Wherever he gave satsang I was there, deeply touched, in profound recognition, in great gratitude.

As my previous friends made their careers, grew rich and bought their second homes in France, I spent my days on the kitchen floor, leaning against the warm stove and reading everything available on non-duality.

Insatiable, I absorbed the words of wisdom that resonated so deeply within me. How could these words have entered me if I had been just by myself? I was aware that it was the presence and the enlightened speech of an awakened one that had the power to evaporate the veils of ignorance and bring about this inner realisation.

A decade and many great insights later, the teachings were etched in my heart. All was clear to me, but my heart was not yet liberated. I went to Papaji in Lucknow, loved him dearly and respected him profoundly, but still my journey did not come to resolution.

I knew that something was missing, although I did not know precisely what that was.
For years I waited…..for ‘that’.

At some point a friend persuaded me to attend several satsangs with ShantiMayi in my home country. Sitting in the big hall full of people, I imagined that it was just her and I that were present and simply felt inwardly the intimacy of our togetherness. I decided to spend some months with her in India to find out if she could help me to finally cross the ocean of samsara.

So I travelled to Rishikesh and entered through the gate of Sacha Dham. The fragrance of this little ashram felt very familiar, and profoundly silencing. I felt that I could deeply rest in this so very charged ashram and I sat down. I sat at the feet of ShantiMayi, my heart resting in her heart. I sat in her garden, I sat on the veranda of Maharajji, I sat in the mandhir with Sacha Baba. I sat, I sat, I sat. ShantiMayi initiated me, I surrendered my mind and my life and I simply received. We hardly ever talked.

Absorbed in meditation on the veranda, hearing Maharajji’s approach from the sound of his wooden slippers, feeling his immense presence and not being able to get up and bow…. He passed by, showering golden blessings, over and over again.

I learned about patience. I discovered that patience knows no time. Eventually all waiting transformed itself into an infinite deep bow into the eternal moment now. And so all expectations were finally extinguished.

And then one night there was that ultimate glorious non-moment that lasted for hours and hours. It was a physical experience where all my cells became enlightened. It was so subtle that if I had not paid close attention it might have escaped me, as you forget a dream the moment you wake up. In this flood of light there was an immense power that went right through me. My body could barely take it.

The next morning I went to the ashram as usual. Nothing had changed. I did not interpret the golden happening; I did not assign it any meaning. Only much later did I realise: that night, that night was it, the sealing of my awakening journey, the consummation of all insights and stillness overtaking my being.

For a long time there was deep silence. I was by myself as much as possible. It was not easy to talk. I couldn’t find the words any more, there was hardly any capacity to form concepts or images and everything was so rarefied.

Then one day ShantiMayi and I were in a taxi on our way to Arundatti, her beloved elephant disciple. We were eating oranges and buying loads of fruit and vegetables for Arundatti. In this very casual setting she asked me ‘to spread the light all over the world’. This assignment fell deeply in my heart, fully resonating. Twenty years before my first Guru had also told me that this would be my destiny, indeed I have known it all my life. Nevertheless it was completely natural for me to abide by myself and remain in silence. But ShantiMayi gave me a powerful impulse to go into the world and so, for more than a decade my life is available to inspire and guide people to the light of their innermost wisdom-heart.

From doing nothing I have become very busy. There is an ongoing stream of satsangs, retreats, a lot of travelling and organising all of this in the background. Recently we bought a magnificent place in France where I take people, where everyone can come and go, can recharge and find inspiration. There ceremonies are performed and prayers sent out into  the world, we have a music group that sometimes performs as a band and sometimes as a sacred choir, bringing songs that we have collected from spiritual traditions all over the world. We cultivate the organic gardens and we renovate the buildings, we laugh a lot and are in deep silence.

And all these many activities just blow through me. Essentially, nothing is happening. Silence is all there is. I cannot speak of a 'deepening' over the years. Nothing changes, life lives me, very simple and common.

And people come to satsang and warm themselves, becoming purified and transformed. The building blocks for this have been the same throughout the centuries: self-trust, love and passion for truth, honesty, focus and perseverance.

Little by little the people awaken, allowing life in all facets. In this receptive presence, thought-forms are directly experienced. Patterns, traumas, resistances and fears dissolve and the space created is filled with light.

Similarly ideas and mental constructions empty themselves of content and meaning. A great courage arises so that you do no longer need to know anything any more. In this ever-deepening trust you eventually  surrender to the temple of your heart. Then knowledge evaporates and wisdom awakens.

This is alchemy, a great mystery that simply occurs.


During the years I spent at the masters' feet it was the same for me: wow, deep recognition, insight, wow insight, emotion, recognition, insight. There was ever -deepening inwardness and silence and eventually all knowledge, all insights and this splitting notion of 'I' were wiped out.

What grace that the masters have been at my side for so many years.

How grateful I am, living in the light of truth.